Title: Coming to Terms, part I
Characters: Yami no Yuugi (Atemu)/ Mutou Yuugi
Prompt: #71, Broken
Rating: PG for shounen-ai.
Summary: On his way to adulthood, Yuugi finds himself struggling with certain choices, resulting into his relationship with Atemu becoming oddly strained. Will they grow closer or apart as they are both trying to come to terms with the changed, new path their lives are taking?
Author's Notes: AU, end of series 'fix-it'. Spoilers for anyone who hasn't seen the final episode. Yuugi!Angst. Characters are older, about 22-23 years.
It was in the middle of the night when he woke up, gasping for breath, sweat glistening on his brow. A weight was holding him down, and he struggled to break free. He wasn't alone in the bed. Who was with him? Why was he here? What was going on? The weight, he was drowning, he was caged, he was suffocating..! With a sharp movement to the right, he freed himself by rolling right out of the bed, landing with a thud on the floor.
Groaning, he rubbed his lower backside as he got back up on his feet and quietly, on tiptoe, left the room. He knew the way by heart. He had lived in this house his entire life, and no matter how quaint the building was, he had no trouble whatsoever finding the bathroom.
He switched on the light and blinked a few times as he hurried to the sink. He turned the faucet on and stuck his hands under the cold, running water, splashing some into his face.
What a horrible nightmare! His breathing was slightly erratic, and he forced himself to calm down. It was a nightmare, it wasn't real. The icy cold water running over his wrists made him shiver, and he moved his hand away from the faucet, turning it off. Silence reigned, and he stared at himself in the mirror. His face was pale, and his eyes a little too wide... wider than usual, even.
It was just a matter of seconds now, he presumed. He waited, anxiously, in anticipation, and heaved a small sigh of relief when he heard a stumble outside the door. A click, and the door opened.
"Aibou... Aibou, it is half past three in the morning. What are you doing out of bed? You should be sleeping."
Yuugi bowed his head in embarrassment. Atemu was a very light sleeper; he noticed every movement in and outside of the bed.
"I'm sorry, mou hitori no boku," he said and winced from the loudness of his voice, echoing in the bathroom. "I didn't mean to wake you up."
Atemu tilted his head, his eyes searching Yuugi's face. Gently, he moved his hand and tucked a few damp strands behind Yuugi's ear. Yuugi quietly closed the distance between them and slipped his arms around Atemu's waist, resting his head against his shoulder. He heaved another soft sigh when he felt the other's fingers slipping further into his hair, petting him.
"What is plaguing your mind, aibou? Tell me..."
"I... I don't know," Yuugi said. He took a deep breath, inhaling Atemu's scent. His body felt warm, despite him always claiming to be cold. Yuugi pressed himself closer to him, trying to absorb every little bit of heat. "I don't know."
Atemu pressed a kiss to his forehead. "You are troubled."
"I'm sorry..."
"Do not apologize, aibou. If there is something troubling you, I want to know, so I can help you."
"I know." Yuugi couldn't get enough of his scent: cinnamon, nutmeg, sand, hot sun and passion, all blended into one. No one but Atemu would be able to smell like this, and he curled his fingers against his chest, fingers clutching at the fabric of his pajama top. It was early spring and the weather was chilly; especially the nights could still be cold.
"I just had a bad dream."
He adored the hand caressing and petting him, fingers stroking his hair. Long, slender fingers raking through the multicolored strands, parting them in steady movements, soothing him. He could fall asleep standing like this, it was so comforting.
"A bad dream about what, aibou?"
"I don't know..." Yuugi didn't want to think about it. Had it really been a nightmare, or had it just been a 'bad dream'? All that he could remember was the heavy feeling of being weighed down, of being suffocated...
"Let us go back to bed," Atemu suggested. They were both barefoot and the cold tiles on the bathroom floor didn't provide comfort. Yuugi managed to keep his hold on Atemu while they left the bathroom and returned to the bedroom. He shivered when he crawled under the heavy, warm blankets, and made sure to snuggle up against Atemu as soon as he lied down.
As usual, he put his arms around Yuugi and pulled him closer.
"Can you recall anything from the dream?"
"Mou hitori no boku, you're tired," Yuugi said and pressed a light kiss to his cheek. "We'll talk about it in the morning, all right?"
"It is morning already, aibou..."
"Silly," Yuugi answered and gave him another kiss, curling up into his embrace. He put his head on his chest, close to where he could hear the other's firm heartbeat. Atemu's hand was warm on his arm, a comforting touch. It didn't take long for the other to start snoring softly again, and Yuugi couldn't help but smile sadly. He had told a little lie when he said that he didn't want to talk about it yet... he didn't want to talk about it because his dreams scared him. He already had a faint notion of what was worrying him so much, and he also had a growing, sinking feeling that Atemu wouldn't be happy at all hearing about it.
Shifting around, he turned his head up to look at Atemu sleeping. His smile widened, this time loving and warm. The Gods had been so kind to restore Atemu's body to his Ancient Egyptian appearance, meaning that he had recovered his dark tan and slightly wilder hair. No one had really held it for possible, but Atemu had chosen to stay with Yuugi and lead a mortal life when the Gods offered that option to him after the Ceremonial Duel. Everyone thought he wanted to pass on, but Atemu hadn't hesitated for a second. The Ceremonial Gate remained closed to him, as he went back to Domino City, Japan, together with an over-ecstatic Yuugi.
The first years had been wonderful and amazing. Their friends weren't really surprised to see them shift immediately into a relationship instead of 'just being friends'. Yuugi's mother had felt a little awkward in the beginning, but accepted Atemu pretty fast as her son's choice of life partner. They had tried to tell her the exact truth, but she failed to really understand it, confused by the complexity of the story. Eventually, the topic faded into the background and everyone of the Mutou family settled into the current household, returning to the daily grind of life.
Yuugi suppressed his urge to flick Atemu's nose. Yes, this was the man he was in love with for years now, starting out as friends when he was still the Spirit of the Puzzle, turning into a Nameless Pharaoh until he finally received his name: Atemu. He loved him very much, just as Atemu loved him... and that was probably the source of his mixed feelings.
He bit his lip. He didn't doubt his love for Atemu for one second, and he didn't doubt Atemu's love for him either. What was it that was exactly bothering him? Insecurity, annoyance? After years, their relationship was still wonderful and amazing, and Yuugi was grateful for every day he got to share with Atemu, but sometimes... no, 'suffocation' wasn't the right word. A restless feeling was stirring within him, some dissatisfaction... he didn't know how to describe it. Thoughts heavy and jumbled, he fell asleep after hours of worrying.
The next morning, Yuugi didn't feel rested at all. He let out a huge yawn. The alarm clock buzzed and he turned around to shut it off. He was alone in the bed, Atemu always got up ridiculously early. Yuugi had the small bathroom all to himself and started his daily morning routine, slower than usual. Grabbing his books and notes, he thundered down the stairs, still yawning.
"Good morning, aibou," Atemu greeted him. "Sit down, you will have to hurry. You are late."
"I know, I know," Yuugi grumbled and put his books on the table as he sat down. His mother breezed into the kitchen and wished everyone happily a good morning, commenting on Yuugi's tardiness as well. He blew a still-damp golden bang out of his face and chose not to respond.
"Here you are," Atemu said and put a bowl of oatmeal in front of him, not exactly Yuugi's first choice of breakfast. A glass of freshly squeezed orange juice was served next to it and he started eating, if only to provide his body with the required nutrition for another busy day. Silently, he lamented the days that his grandfather used to prepare breakfast and allowed him to have any kind of sugar-loaded cereal and sweet pancakes with syrup, as much as he wanted. Oh well, at least he had the weekends to give into his cravings...
As usual, Atemu put a bento box and two pieces of fruit in his large book bag, adding to the already impressive weight. Yuugi knew he meant well, but for some reason it annoyed him. He didn't want to feel annoyed, and squashed that train of thoughts immediately. He knew he was going to enjoy the fruit later anyway, so what was the problem?
"You better get going, aibou," Atemu said as soon as he saw Yuugi clearing his bowl and chugging down the orange juice. Yuugi couldn't help but frown, annoyance resurfacing. He knew he was running late, he didn't need another reminder!
"I know," he said, more irritated than he intended, and he grabbed his book bag, hoisting it over his shoulder. He kissed Atemu as he passed him, aiming for the lips but ending up on his cheek as he hurried along. Running towards the front door, he took a slight detour to find his mother and give her a goodbye kiss before he left the house, slamming the door behind him.
The bus was crowded, but Yuugi managed to get himself a seat by wrestling himself towards the back, using his diminutive height to his advantage to move between people, avoiding elbows, handbags and umbrellas. With a sigh, he claimed the seat and pulled his heavy book bag onto his lap, hugging it closer to his chest by leaning onto it with his elbow. It was going to take twenty minutes before he would reach the campus; he had more than enough time to lose himself in his thoughts.
To say that everybody was surprised when Yuugi had chosen to go to university, was an understatement. His grades had always been average at best, often below-average despite his mother encouraging him and constantly checking up on him doing his homework. It wasn't a matter of intelligence; his 'problem' was simply that he wasn't interested enough in school. His mother blamed his lack of interest in anything educational on his endless love and fascination for games and gaming in general. After graduation from Domino High, all his friends had expected Yuugi to start working in the Game Shop, helping out his aging grandfather.
Atemu had all but taken that decision out of his hands, or so Yuugi thought. The former Pharaoh insisted on a good education, repeating how important it was for one's life and career, and why would Yuugi want to work in the GameShop anyway when he, Atemu, was around to help out grandfather? Yuugi had felt incredibly guilty when he noticed the passion Atemu encouraged him to pursue an educational career, a chance that Atemu himself would never get as he wasn't a registered citizen (the Gods had conveniently forgotten everything about social security numbers and birth certificates, but well, they weren't really to blame, now were they?). The guilt aside, Yuugi had started to feel as if he really was throwing his life away if he didn't get a degree, and both Atemu's and his mother's visible pride outweighed his own doubt when he enrolled at Domino University.
The first year went fairly well, but the second year had been a struggle from the start. Yuugi's motivation was low and everything he worked so hard for, crumbled and slipped through his fingers. It wasn't of lack of encouragement or interest, but whatever had kept him going, was completely gone and he didn't know why. Atemu had hand-picked Yuugi's classes in the first year, but when it came to his major, Yuugi had protested. Going to university was one thing, becoming an Egyptologist was another; he wasn't going to study hieroglyphs just because Atemu wanted him to. He still had to decide on his master, but he knew that expectations were really high. Too high.
Lately, everything about university irritated him. The days were tiresome and stressing, and once again, he didn't know what started it, and more so, how to solve it. He didn't want to be here, he didn't want to go to university anymore, and the vehemence of his thoughts shocked him. What was it he wanted to do then, if he wasn't going to get a proper education? Atemu and his mother would be so disappointed if he quit, yet Yuugi wondered how much longer he could hold on. This train of thoughts kept going on his mind, mentally exhausting him even before the day began. When the bus came to a halt, he had to hurry to get off, allowing himself to be swept away by the slew of commuters and students.
Lunchtime seemed to slowly roll around, and Yuugi was all but exhausted. He searched for a table in the crowded cafeteria, waiting for Jounouchi to show up.
Though it had been a surprise when Yuugi went to university, the surprise was even greater when Jounouchi enrolled as well. Not known for his excellence at high school, it was amazing how well he did now on his medical studies, even if he had barely met the requirements. Jounouchi's determination was well-known, and he wanted to become a pediatrician; after what his sister Shizuka went through, he wanted to help out kids in a similar situation. Yuugi knew Jounouchi was going to be a great doctor; he had a wonderful way dealing with children.
"You look tired," was the first thing Jounouchi said. He sat down opposite of Yuugi, whipping out his bento box from his large bag.
"I haven't been sleeping very well." Yuugi stared at his own bento, not feeling hungry in particular.
"Those dreams again?" Of course Jounouchi knew about Yuugi's bad nights, there was nothing the two friends kept from each other. Yuugi nodded
"Yuugi... I don't know how to say this to you," Jounouchi sighed as he opened his bento box.
"You can tell me anything, Jounouchi-kun," Yuugi said. His stomach tied itself into a knot.
"You've got to listen to yourself for a change, Yuugi." Jounouchi rubbed over the bridge of his nose, as if he was a little embarrassed to tell his friend this. "You've always been there, always helping us, your friends, someone else, always running behind Atemu, always doing things that other people wanted or needed, not even caring for your own needs. I mean, how to explain it... just listen to yourself! You love games instead of wasting your time here, studying something that you don't really want to study! I'm sure Kaiba," his face twitched at the name of his 'nemesis', "will give you a job immediately if you ask him. Do something what you like, what you want! All this time you have taken care of us. Why don't you take care of yourself for a change?"
"He wants me to become a doctor, or a professor," Yuugi said, avoiding the question.
"Atemu might want that, but it's not what you want. You want to design and develop games, not to end up like a boring, dull professor in a tweed jacket."
"But you'd need an education to become a game designer, wouldn't you?"
"What education? You're the King of Games, for crying out loud!" Jounouchi snorted. "You have all the experience you need! No education can outweigh your experience."
"Do you really think so?"
"I don't only think so, I'm sure of it!"
Yuugi was toying with his food, poking with his chopsticks at the bento. "He wants the best for me," he said.
"I know, Yuugi, but if he really wants the best for you, then he would listen to you and start acknowledging that he can't live his dreams through you. I'm sorry, but the best for you is to quit university and follow your own dreams for once. I hate to see you unhappy, you know that."
"I thought that a relationship... our relationship would be all nice and wonderful. Which it is," Yuugi hastily added, "we love each other very much."
"Of course you do," Jounouchi said, already on his way to finish his bento, munching on the last bite of rice. "I told Shizuka recently that if somehow your love for each other could be transformed into some kind of energy, the whole city and more could be powered with it. No one questions that."
Yuugi beamed at him. It was always so nice to hear that people had a positive impression of their relationship. He was glad that nobody questioned his love for Atemu and vice versa, that was for sure.
"But, any relationship is hard work," Jounouchi said. "I tried with Mai, but... you have to talk, talk, talk and I guess that's no different with your relationship. It's hard work, truly, but it's worthwhile. That is, if everything works out... and even with talking, it's not a guarantee that a relationship will work out, of course."
"I feel like I failed." Yuugi stared at his mashed food.
"Of course not, don't be silly!" Jounouchi turned serious. "However, Atemu won't like what you're going to tell him. But you're not on this earth to fulfill his dreams, and he shouldn't outlive his dreams through you."
"I feel sad," Yuugi said, shifting uncomfortably. "He would love to stand in my shoes and get the chance of studying. I'm sure he'd be the best of every class he would take."
Jounouchi sipped his milk. "Then try to find a way for him that he can study," he said. "Private teachers, remote teaching, heck, he can even take your social security number and take your place! Your physical similarities are uncanny, and you know how no one checks student ID's around here. At least, not that much. No one will notice the difference."
"How am I going to tell him?" Yuugi suddenly feared going home. "He's going to be so disappointed."
"He'll live," Jounouchi winked at him. "It's not easy, I'll admit. But for your own sake, Yuugi, talk to him. You're not going to improve the situation by remaining silent."
Atemu wasn't in the kitchen when Yuugi arrived home. The table was set for two; Yuugi hadn't seen either his mother or his grandfather around, so that meant they had the house to themselves. Slightly nervous, Yuugi licked his lips. A knot was forming in his stomach. Perhaps he could talk to Atemu sooner about his doubts than he had expected.
"Mou hitori no boku? Where are you?"
"I am here, aibou," Atemu's voice came from down the hall, "just a moment." He rummaged through a cupboard to dig up candles and some holders and walked back to the kitchen, putting everything on the table.
"Mou hitori no boku," Yuugi said.
"Mother and grandfather are out for the evening, so I thought we could have a nice dinner and spend some quality time. Just the two of us," Atemu said. Yuugi had already smelled the delicious oden, stewing in the pan. As he watched Atemu setting the table, every movement elegant and graceful and filled with confidence, he felt his determination giving out on him. He decided to postpone talking to Atemu about university, and took a matchbox out of a kitchen drawer to light the candles.
Yuugi loved his family, but it was so nice to share dinner with only the man he loved. The atmosphere was more intimate and it felt so good, so relaxed, that he even ate two bowls and still had room for dessert.
When they finished eating, Atemu suggested going to the living room, and leaving the dirty dishes for later. Yuugi didn't feel like scrubbing pots and pans right away either, so he allowed himself to be swayed by his lover. Not that Atemu needed to do much convincing. Yuugi cuddled up to him on the sofa, and Atemu wrapped his arm around his shoulder, gently nuzzling his neck, heaving a blissful sigh. As Yuugi tilted his head a little, Atemu immediately found his lips and kissed him, lovingly, adoringly. They continued to kiss, completely wrapped up in each other. Yuugi couldn't get enough of the kisses, reveling in the attention he was receiving. Atemu nipped at his lips some more, before he pulled back.
"It is so nice to have some time to ourselves, aibou. I enjoy mother's and grandfather's company, but I like spending time with you the most."
"Me too, mou hitori no boku, me too." Yuugi cuddled even closer. His arm went under Atemu's, so they were wrapped up in a nice, warm hug. He heaved a blissful sigh, enjoying the moment. They had never talked about moving out and living in an apartment on their own; Yuugi wanted to stay with his family as long as possible. It made these moments even more special, and he was feeling happy, relaxed in Atemu's arms. Perhaps this was the right moment after all, to… start talking about what was bothering him?
"Do you like working in the store, mou hitori no boku?" He asked, his voice soft. Atemu pressed a kiss on his forehead.
"I am surrounded by games all day, I get to talk about games all day, and I can try out games all day... what more is there to like?"
"I'm happy that you like it," Yuugi murmured, inhaling Atemu's scent. "But wouldn't you... you know, like to go to university? Take classes?"
"M-mm," Atemu made a noncommittal sound, his hands patting Yuugi's hair in the meantime. A comfortable silence followed, the both of them relaxed in each other's arms.
"Mou hitori no boku?"
"I would love to go to university, aibou," Atemu said. His fingers raked through Yuugi's hair, brushing the golden bangs and tucking them behind his ear. "I am so glad that you are going, and doing so well."
Yuugi almost forgot to breathe. This was his cue! Atemu just gave him a perfect opening.
"About university, mou hitori no boku.."
"I am so proud of you," Atemu continued, "you are going to be a doctor, a professor, and you will see, every door will open for you. You have so much potential, aibou, and I know the university will bring out the best in you."
"Yes, but that is..."
"I know it is hard work, and that it might be difficult." He pressed another kiss on Yuugi's forehead. "I will do everything in my power to help you, aibou, if you need anything, just tell me. We are all so proud of you, and when you have graduated, life will hold no limits for you."
Yuugi couldn't bring himself to say what he wanted to say. He heard the pride in Atemu's voice, he heard the utter faith, and he simply went silent, which Atemu took as his cue to continue to kiss him. Yuugi loved being kissed, he melted into them, and he didn't protest at all when his shirt fell on the floor and his bare skin was touched.
The piece of paper stared at him. A blank sheet of paper. It mocked him. It laughed at him. It was lying there on his desk, empty, demanding to be written on. Yuugi refrained from tapping with his pencil on his desk; he didn't want to disturb the other students caught up in the exam. He knew this. He knew the answers. He could do this. He had studied this subject long enough, rehearsed it again and again...but the words swam around in his brain, all juggled, unable to form coherent sentences. The answers were right in front of him, but he was unable to grasp them. His vision blurred, and Yuugi blinked. Was he having a panic attack?
He glared at the clock on the wall. The exam had just started and the mere thought of sitting here for at least two hours, two hours of pure torture, suddenly got him almost hyperventilating. Calm down, calm down, he kept telling himself. It didn't help matters much that Yuugi, despite the nice and relaxing evening prior, had slept badly that night. The same nightmare, the same feelings of suffocation... and now he was taking this exam, and failing horribly.
The two hours finally went by, agonizingly slow. Yuugi felt incredibly relieved when he was allowed to put his pencil down. He had answered the questions, but to him it was all gibberish. He went to the cafeteria in search for Jounouchi, and found his friend already at their table, munching on a sandwich.
"How did your exam go?" Jounouchi asked.
"Horrible," Yuugi said as he sat down and buried his head in his hands. "Absolutely horrible. I just couldn't do it, I just couldn't. It all disappeared from my mind, I couldn't write it down properly."
"Oh man," Jounouchi sympathized. He put his hand on Yuugi's shoulder. "You must tell him that it's suffocating you. He has no right to put you through all of this and causing you all this stress."
"It's not his fault," Yuugi immediately protested. "I should've said immediately that I didn't want to do this."
"Yuugi, you wanted this at first too, remember? You were very enthusiastic at the start. It's not a crime or a shame to change your mind along the way. You've tried, you've given it a shot, and you discovered that it wasn't something for you, or at least not something that you would like to do for another three years. So be it! You can't force yourself to like something when your heart isn't into it."
"I wish he wasn't so hung up on university and education," Yuugi said, his voice turning sad. "He'll be so disappointed when I quit."
"You're not him and he's not you," Jounouchi said with his mouth full. "We talked about this before, Yuugi, and this situation will continue until you do something about it. You have to tell him this isn't what you want, and too bad if he's disappointed. It's your life, not his. Listen, if things get really rough, I'll talk to him, okay?"
Yuugi looked up at him. Jounouchi, who had been crying at Atemu's original depart, was willing to fight his friend? "Jounouchi-kun?"
"You're my best friend, Yuugi."
"Mou hitori no boku isn't..?"
Jounouchi shook his head. "He's my best friend too. But you're my bestest best friend, Yuugi, and besides, best friends can say anything to each other, otherwise they wouldn't be best friends! Wow, that's a lot of 'best friend's' in one sentence!"
Yuugi couldn't help but snicker. Jounouchi never failed to cheer him up.
"Listen, your Pharaoh boyfriend is a good person and I know you love him and he loves you. Like I said before, no one questions that! But a relationship doesn't only thrive on love. It's about feelings and being able to communicate, and cherishing mutual respect for each other."
"Wow Jounouchi-kun, that's really deep!"
"Well yeah, I read it somewhere on a napkin. Now, are you going to finish that bento of yours or what?"
Yuugi opened the door to the stock room. Every Thursday, a new shipment of games and supplies came in, and as grandfather wasn't able to lift heavy boxes with his bad back, Atemu had taken upon himself to unpack everything in the rearranged stock room. While grandfather was taking care of the shop this afternoon, the former Pharaoh occupied himself with the inventory; Yuugi could hear the sound of boxes being cut open, and nimble hands going through their contents.
He felt his stomach tie itself in knots all over again. He was going to hurt the other, Yuugi was sure of it - but at the same time, he saw no other way to bring the message to Atemu without disappointing him. That was hurting even more than anything else.
"Mou hitori no boku?"
Atemu looked up from the opened box in front of him. "I am right here, aibou! How did your exam go? You must have done well, you are home so early."
"I failed the exam and I want to quit university, mou hitori no boku," Yuugi said bluntly.
Atemu arched his eyebrows. A smile, albeit not a happy one, tugged at his lips. "That is not a funny joke, aibou."
"I'm not joking. I really want to quit university, mou hitori no boku," Yuugi repeated.
"Nonsense, aibou," Atemu said, confusion showing on his face. "A good education is very important. Why would you give up on that?"
"It's not what I want," Yuugi said. There was no heating in the stock room, but the chilly feelings in his body didn't come from the low temperature in the room. Atemu put down the packing list he was checking, still confused. He frowned.
"Aibou, what do you mean? You know that a degree is the best start in your life, your career. Education is important, you cannot give that up right now."
"I've already decided," Yuugi said, holding onto his last thread of courage. "It's not what I want, mou hitori no boku. It stresses me, it doesn't bring me any joy. I don't want to be a professor or a doctor. It's not meant for me."
"That is not true," Atemu said. "I want the best for you, and I know you can do this. The study is not easy, but if I can do something to help..."
"It's not only about university, mou hitori no boku," Yuugi said. He took a deep breath. This was going to be the hardest part, the deepest trouble he had to admit to himself. Saying it out loud didn't make it any easier. "You make every decision for me. I can't do anything on my own, without you deciding in the first place."
"Aibou, what are you talking about? I always ask for your opinion!"
"Yes you do. You ask, but you don't listen to the answer. You do what you think is in my best interest, but you overlook my feelings or opinion on the matter."
"I am not belittling you, aibou," Atemu said.
"No, but you are... explicitly present," Yuugi said. He winced under Atemu's stern look, knowing that the other was straining to hide his disappointment and growing anger. "Don't you understand, mou hitori no boku? I went to university mostly because I wanted to please you. I don't regret it, not at all, but it would never have been my choice. You made that decision for me."
"You could have chosen any study you wanted," Atemu said, voice clipped.
"You're NOT listening! You're doing it again!"
"I am certainly listening to you, aibou. What makes you say all of these things? You have never spoken these thoughts to me before."
"True," Yuugi admitted. He lowered his eyes a little, feeling embarrassed and ashamed. He was searching for strength, for courage to push through. "I... remember the nightmares I had? It was because of the stress, mou hitori no boku."
"I gave you nightmares?" Atemu looked and sounded incredulous, with a dangerous hint of anger.
"No, you don't understand! Please, just listen to me. Mou hitori no boku... I love you so much. I know you love me. But sometimes it's.. too overwhelming and I can't find any room for myself, if you know what I mean. Like I'm not Yuugi anymore. Going to university isn't something I want, not any longer. I want to do something I like, find my own way in the world."
"Are you really going to give up a perfect university career because of a few nightmares?"
"Mou hitori no boku, that's not the point..."
"Oh, I got the point all right, aibou," Atemu said. "I do nothing but overwhelm you, apparently?"
"Please don't get upset, mou hitori no boku. There are some things I need to do on my own, don't you understand?"
"What is it exactly you are talking about? And do you have to discuss these things in a cold storage room?"
"Then where you do want to talk about it?"
"Do not yell at me! I am not the one talking about giving up a perfect education and accusing me of overwhelming you!"
"I don't accuse you of anything! You're the one who's yelling!" Yuugi felt his heart sink. This was getting out of hand. It was erupting like a volcano and now there was no stopping it. The dam had broken and Yuugi was spilling out everything that had bothered him as of late, starting out with the university... but it quickly turned into the deep-rooted trouble underneath it all: Atemu's overbearing attitude.
"If the study is too much at this moment, perhaps a break is in order?" Atemu suggested, his voice almost back to normal volume. Yuugi heaved a sigh.
"I don't want a break, I want to quit. Totally and completely quit. I'll finish this year because the semester is almost over, but I'm not going back for the third year. I'm not going back, ever."
The silence that fell was uncomfortable. Atemu's disapproving frown was too much for Yuugi to bear, so he turned around and left the stockroom, trying to keep his hands from shaking. This was the first real argument they ever had, they had even yelled. Had grandfather overheard it, in the GameShop? Neither one of them had exactly toned down their voice... Yuugi didn't like arguing, he hated fighting. It was awful, and he felt bad about it, real bad. But this was so important, this was his life; he couldn't sweep this under the rug.
He avoided Atemu for the rest of the day and at dinnertime, the tension was palpable. The elderly family members, Yuugi's mother and grandfather, were oddly silent as well. Nobody started up a conversation and Yuugi was glad when finally all the dishes were cleared and he could leave the kitchen. He fled to the bedroom and hurled himself onto the bed, wondering if he was going to cry or laugh hysterically. He couldn't make heads or tails out of his own emotions, everything was so confusing. Yuugi stayed inside the room until it was night; he pretended to be asleep when Atemu slipped between the sheets.
Yuugi didn't feel much better the next days. He wanted to feel relieved now that he had taken the decision to quit university, but he felt weighed down by Atemu's disappointment. The former Pharaoh didn't understand how Yuugi could give up on his education, and he was supported in this by Yuugi's mother, who was disappointed as well. Seeing his mother disappointed and frustrated about his decision, added even more to Yuugi's burden. His grandfather simply said that he had seen it coming, and that he would stand by Yuugi, no matter what he chose to do with his life. Yuugi was grateful for his support, as well as for his friends' support.
Jounouchi tried to cheer him up, Anzu encouraged him to follow his own path, and Honda and Otogi agreed that Yuugi should take charge of his own life instead of trying to constantly please others. More so, Otogi immediately offered Yuugi a position in his staff at the Black Crown, 'before Kaiba got wind of it'.
Excited about the job offer, Yuugi returned home. He hoped that this news would lift the negative atmosphere in the house, as he and Atemu had barely spoken to each other since their fight. It wasn't sitting well with him, and he was sure it was bothering Atemu as well, but neither one had taken the first step to talk to each other.
Yuugi went upstairs to find Atemu in the bedroom, and not only that... Atemu was carefully packing a suitcase, and Yuugi thought he was going to faint.
"What are you doing?" He asked, voice shrill.
"I will be visiting Hokkaido tomorrow," Atemu answered. "Grandfather is feeling under the weather, so I will take his place at the convention."
"Oh, the games convention?" Yuugi leaned against the doorpost to find his balance again. For a moment he thought that the other was going to leave him... "I wish I could go with you."
"I am sorry, aibou, but unfortunately the event is invitation only, and I am not allowed to take a guest with me."
"Too bad." Well, maybe as Otogi's staff member he could earn the privilege of visiting game conventions soon. His face lit up, and voice brightly, he announced: "Otogi-kun offered me a job! I can start as soon as possible! He wants me on his staff as game designer and developer!"
Atemu all but froze, a shirt neatly folded in his hands. "A job?"
"Yes," Yuugi still beamed. "Isn't it great, mou hitori no boku? I'm going to work with games, just like you! I'm going to develop my own games!"
His smile slowly faltered when there was no enthusiastic reaction. In fact, Atemu looked puzzled, confused, as if Yuugi had suggested something extremely weird.
"A job with Otogi," Atemu finally said. "Aibou, why..? Just a few years more, and you have your degree. You can work long enough after you have graduated. There is so much more to you than game designing."
"But it's what I want to do," Yuugi said, voice a little petulant. He couldn't help it. "I've tried university, and I've realized that I don't want to become a professor. I'm sorry, mou hitori no boku, if I'm shattering your dreams, but it's my life we're talking about, and I want to do something I enjoy."
"This conversation will have to wait," Atemu said brusquely. "I have to leave early in the morning and I still have a lot of packing to do."
"No, it can't wait." Yuugi took a step in his lover's direction. "Please, mou hitori no boku, I want to talk about this before you leave."
"We have spoken about this before, aibou. You have made your point very clear. I understand that it is about your life, aibou. I would not want to dictate your life or overwhelm you with making decisions for you."
"That's not fair," Yuugi shot back.
"You never told me before it bothered you so much," Atemu said.
"I admit that I should've talked to you earlier," Yuugi said. "But I was, and still am, afraid of disappointing you. Don't deny it, you are disappointed in me, in my decision, but I still stand by it. I just couldn't live up to your expectations anymore, mou hitori no boku."
"I only want the best for you." Atemu dropped the shirt into the suitcase, and stared at it. "I simply do not understand, aibou. I still think that you made a rash decision to quit university. Why give up such a bright future? Why turn your back to it all, right now?"
"Because you're too strong," Yuugi sighed. He touched Atemu at the elbow, wanting to stay in touch with him. He didn't pull back, but his posture was rigid, tense. "You're so incredibly strong. When you were still in the Puzzle, when you were in the Memory World… I always felt I was running behind you, that I couldn't catch up with you. But now it feels like drowning, choking, and I don't want to be weighed down."
"It is good to know I am such a horrible influence on your life, aibou," Atemu said and this time he took a step back, breaking the contact between the two of them. "I will be sleeping in the guest room tonight. The Gods would never forgive me if I would keep on drowning and choking you."
"That's not fair, mou hitori no boku!"
"Good night, Yuugi."
"Get back here, Atemu!" Yuugi called after him angrily, but the former Pharaoh had already left the room and smacked the door close behind him. Yuugi fell on the bed, his hands balling into fists out of sheer anger and frustration. Why did Atemu react like this? Why didn't he understand? Why was this all so difficult?
This was one of his last days at Domino University. Yuugi wanted to finish his year by taking the last exams he had studied for. His decision had lifted a great weight from his shoulders, but he was disappointed and saddened by Atemu's lack of understanding and support. Why couldn't he see what was happening? Was it that hard to let him... breathe? Yuugi hadn't liked it at all to spend the night alone in bed. He hadn't seen Atemu this morning either, as he had left early for the convention in Hokkaido. This whole situation was stressful for the both of them; Yuugi thought that it might be a good idea if they could go away for a weekend to clear the tension. But for now, he had an exam to concentrate on. He moved his pen over the sheets to write down his answer.
He didn't hear the door being opened and closed. The only sounds in the room were the pens on paper, scribbling words and sentences to answer the questions. A small cough here and there, a little labored breathing from stress and tension perhaps; Yuugi was concentrating hard, finishing another answer before moving on to the next question. The hand on his shoulder was completely unexpected and he gasped out loud.
"Mutou-san," the sensei whispered low in his ear. "Please come with me."
It felt like someone punching him in the stomach. What was going on? Yuugi didn't understand, but he silently packed his things into his book bag. Yuugi glanced at his answer sheet, and the sensei whispered: "Just leave it, I'll get it. Now come with me."
The urge in the man's voice grated on Yuugi's nerves. A few other students, annoyed by the interruption, glared at him. For some reason, Yuugi was suddenly bothered by the fact that they might think he'd been caught cheating. What would he care? Yuugi couldn't help the train of thoughts spinning around in his head, as he wondered why he was called out of the exam.
Outside, the sensei turned towards him and spoke in a low voice. "Your mother is here to take you to the hospital, Mutou-san."
"Kaa-san? Hospital?" Yuugi's eyes turned wider. He saw his mother standing a little further down the hall, her coat over her arms. Jii-chan, it shot through Yuugi's mind, something is wrong with jii-chan.
Mutou Yushiko shook her head as if she could read her son's mind. She reached for him.
"It's Atemu-san, dear. We have to go now, quickly."
"What... what? WHAT?"
"I don't know the details yet," she said, voice thick. "He was hit by a car. Hokkaido traffic is so much busier than Domino's... we have to hurry, Yuugi-kun."
If Yuugi had felt that someone had punched him in the stomach before, now it felt like someone was ripping out his heart. A cold, numb feeling fell over him, freezing him on the spot. His mother had to pull him with her, and he moved like a robot, completely in a trance. Nausea waved through him and his body started to hurt, pins and needles everywhere, and silent tears slid over his cheeks. Vaguely, he registered how he sat down in the car, his mother driving through the streets to the hospital and how minutes went by like hours, the time stretching out in front of him, almost tangible, laughing at him. If his mother was talking to him, he didn't hear it, he didn't notice it. He felt pain, a body and mind numbing pain that rendered him immobile. He was glad his mother was with him, because he was so upset he wouldn't have found his way to the hospital in his current mindset.
"We're here," she said, parking the car and turning the engine off. She looked at her son, noticing his pale face and trembling hands. "Yuugi-kun..."
"Do you know..." he started, his voice trailing off. Mutou Yushiko reached for her son's hand, squeezing it gently.
"He's not in any danger," she tried to reassure him. "When they called me, I thought..." She took a deep breath and patted his hand again. "We'll talk about it later, Yuugi-kun. He needs you now. Let's get going."
Yuugi allowed his mother to guide him through the long hallways of the hospital; she knew where to go to and he simply followed, a little bit relieved, yet his fragile nerves made him skittish at every sound he heard. He was afraid, he was sad and angry at the same time, and his emotions were so conflicting and confusing that it physically hurt him. He wanted to throw up and swallowed harshly, until they came to stand still in front of a door, open at a very slight angle.
"Here it is." His mother's voice was soft yet encouraging. "Let's go inside."
Yuugi entered the room, his heart thundering inside his chest, fearful of what he was going to see. Breathing harshly, his eyes still watery from the tears, he saw Atemu in the hospital bed, face pale, eyes closed.
"Mou hitori no boku?" Yuugi's voice was nothing but a whisper as he approached the bed.
"He can't hear you," his mother said. "He's still sedated from the surgery. I'll see if I can find a doctor." She hugged her son briefly before leaving the room.
Yuugi swallowed once more. He had only been in the hospital to accompany his grandfather for an exam or check-up. He'd never seen someone he loved in a hospital bed, so vulnerable, so fragile... Yuugi shuffled to the bed, repeating 'mou hitori no boku' over and over again. His eyes took him in, the man he loved, his face stern and worried in this artificial sleep, a huge pad of gauze on his right cheek where his face had hit the pavement. The surrounding skin was still tender, an angry red.
"Mou hitori no boku..." Yuugi moved his hand, reaching for Atemu's, gently taking the cold fingers between his own, stroking and rubbing them. It felt so wrong to see him lying in bed like this. Yuugi leaned into him, checking his breathing, slow but even. His other hand moved to cup Atemu's face, the side that hadn't been injured, and he touched his skin as if he wanted to feel if it was really Atemu, and not some sick prank being played on him. But it was really him, it was really his Other Self... the sadness was so overwhelming that his breathing choked up.
He didn't know how long he was standing there, next to the bed, holding Atemu's hand and stroking his face, when he finally noticed his eyes flutter. Quickly, Yuugi leaned into him some more, whispering his name. Atemu opened his eyes and finally looked at him, bleary, disorientated. Yuugi pecked him carefully on the cheek.
Atemu parted his lips, but his voice didn't cooperate. "Aibou," he managed to speak, drowsily.
"Shhh," Yuugi said. "You're safe, mou hitori no boku."
"Safe?"
"You were in an accident," Yuugi explained. He brushed a golden bang out of Atemu's face. "I'm not sure what exactly happened, but you broke your leg."
"My leg," Atemu parroted, but it was obvious that he didn't understand. He wasn't feeling pain at the moment; the sedation hadn't worn off yet. He didn't try to look at his leg, and Yuugi avoided focusing his attention to it. He put butterfly kisses all over Atemu's face, mumbling his name and "It's going to be all right" over and over again. Atemu's eyes already slid close again, and Yuugi pressed another kiss on his forehead.
"Rest now, my Pharaoh," he whispered and took a step back from the bed as the door opened, his mother and a doctor entering.
"I'm doctor Satsumori," the man introduced himself. He carried a clipboard with him, and looked at the chart on it, tapping it with his finger. "It looks worse than it is. Your brother suffered physical injuries that will heal in time."
It figured that Atemu had Yuugi's ID with him to enter the convention. After all, the Pharaoh didn't exist in this world. Yuugi didn't comment on the 'brother' part. With their physical alikeness, it wasn't strange that people assumed they were siblings. It was often for the better to just keep it that way, saving them both the hassle of explaining.
"Unfortunately, the fracture is very complicated," the doctor continued. "It's going to take hard work and dedication to get it healed and back up to its original strength. However, seeing the impact of the accident, your brother can be considered extremely lucky. It could have been much worse. Bruised and sore all over, but no internal organs were damaged."
"That's good to hear," Yuugi said, sharing his relief with his mother. "Thank you, Satsumori-sama."
The doctor showed a kind smile. "I have to go make my rounds."
Yuugi thanked the doctor once more and turned his head back to Atemu, noticing to his surprise that he hadn't fallen asleep after all. Atemu moved his hand, and Yuugi took it again between his hands, rubbing over his cold fingers.
"How long have I been here?" Atemu asked, voice still hoarse and unsteady.
"You have to stay here for a while, mou hitori no boku," Yuugi answered. "You were in an accident, remember?" It felt like days had gone by, but Yuugi had seen the clock on the wall; it had been merely an hour since he had been called away from his exam.
"But aibou..."
"Do you remember what happened?"
Atemu shook his head, eyes narrowed and his brow frowning as he tried to remember. "I wasn't paying attention, I guess," he said. "Aibou..."
"I love you so much," Yuugi said, pressing a kiss on Atemu's fingers. "I'm going to ask if I can spend the night here, all right? That way I can stay close to you, in case you need something."
He didn't receive an answer, and he looked up; this time Atemu had fallen asleep, failing to hear the last words that Yuugi spoke.
"It's for the best if he rests right now," Yuugi's mother agreed. She dug in her purse for her car keys. "I'll go home to get you some things to spend the night here, and some things for Atemu-san as well... I'll bring grandfather too for the visiting hour."
"That's fine, thank you, kaa-san." Yuugi give his mother a quick, but intense hug. "Thank you."
"We'll do everything we can to get him home as soon as possible," she said, her voice a little unstable. She had grown fond of Atemu, and Yuugi was well aware of what he meant to the entire family. He said goodbye to his mother and watched her leave. Yuugi took the plastic chair from the corner of the room and sat down, completely lacking energy and strength.
I wasn't paying attention, I guess... Yuugi had quite the disturbing feeling that he knew why Atemu hadn't been paying attention to the busy traffic in the first place. They had parted without resolving the fight, and Yuugi was sure the former Pharaoh's mind had just been occupied as his own. If Atemu really had failed to notice the oncoming car because of everything that had happened, then Yuugi could already feel the guilt crushing down on him.
Was this his fault? Was this the result of their fighting? Was this the result of his choice to finally take the reins of his life into his own hands? Yuugi trembled. He tried to calm himself down, but he faltered. It couldn't be, could it? If only... if only he just had continued to please, if only he had kept quiet and had done what others wanted him to do... he couldn't believe it himself, he refused to believe it. He had a right to his own place, hadn't he? There was room in this universe for Mutou Yuugi, to be happy? And now... now he was in the hospital, and everything was just... wrong. If only he... Yuugi buried his head in his hands, feeling utterly desperate and broken. There was no other sound in the room but his soft crying and Atemu's breathing.
Part 2 |