The next morning I insist on bringing Heero his breakfast personally, despite my bad leg. Quatre, sitting in front of me in what used to be a living room in a fairly large house, and serves now as our new cafeteria, refuses to let me carry the tray. He has informed me of the burial of the victims of the raid, the current status of the wounded and the survivors, and of the safe houses. He also told me about Catherine going into labor any minute from now, and that Trowa is with her to offer support. I grimace. Her husband should have been there for her. To see his son or daughter being born. Trowa will give her the best support and help he can; but he is not her husband. After so much information, I tell Quatre I want to visit Heero, and now he taps with his fingers on the tabletop.
“How are you going to do this?” From the look in his eyes I’m fairly sure he means “Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” but he occupies himself with the tray and the bowl with something akin to oatmeal... of some sorts.
“I brought him here. He is my responsibility,” I state. Never mind that his gaze was haunting me all night. Every night since I saw him on a fuzzy static TV screen. Quatre frowns at me, and sees my red-rimmed eyes.
“We’ll talk about this later, Duo.”
“We’ll talk,” I promise. Quatre assigns himself to carry the tray for me, and we make our way to the cell. Heero is already awake, and his eyes are harsh, a blaze of fire. I feel a sting of disappointment when I see him like that- the softness has vanished from his face. When Quatre puts the tray with the bowl down, I examine Heero and note that his nails are broken and blooded.
“You’ve been busy crawling your way out of here?”
He has the decency to look slightly embarrassed, and hides his hands behind his back.
“I would not be much of a prisoner if I did not try to escape.”
“Don’t be stupid. Even if you managed to escape, where would you go? You can’t take Relena with you, and even if you did succeed, there’s no way out of the Underground.”
“You’re bluffing.” He eyes me, not completely convinced, but certainly not intending to take back his words. His hostility has come back with a vengeance, and I wonder if I haven’t completely dreamt the close proximity of Heero yesterday, only yesterday, holding up his hand as if to touch me, and whispering about ‘setting him free’.
Quatre takes up the discussion. “If we freed you tonight, you’d be dead the next morning. This is a war zone, you know. Life on the streets is tough.”
Heero directs a look at me as if he wants to say he can handle it anyway.
“Why do you keep visiting me? Do you want to scare me or something?”
“It’s just a fair warning,” Quatre’s calm and composed voice drifts through the air, “we are not lying to you, Heero.”
“L2 is a war zone because you made one out of it,” he says. Before I can react, Quatre cuts me off.
“Do you realize what you are saying? We didn’t ask for war. No one asks for war.”
“You said that by kidnapping you and Relena, we were confirming the opinions of the people on Earth. Don’t you think by saying what you are saying, you are confirming the colonies’ view of Earth?” I stumble with words.
“What opinions of Earth would the colonies have?” He sounds so derisive. “We made you. We built you!”
“We fucking died for you!” I almost scream. “After all your building, you transferred all your troubles from Earth to the colonies! I’m not going to repeat it to you, Earthboy, I’m not going to talk about all the suffering we had to endure because of your precious Alliance using military force, and mobile suits to fortify their control. Wasn’t the raid proof enough for ya?”
Quatre steps in, giving me the opportunity to catch my breath. “Heero, do you know anything about the man you are named after?”
“Huh?” He is as surprised as me.
“You are named after Heero Yuy, the peace loving spokesman of the colonies, about twenty years ago. He was unanimously chosen as our representative, because his ideals appealed to us all- Earth and the colonies. His death was a bitter blow for us all. Since then, every possibility of coalition or contact between the colonies is not only forbidden, but also oppressed. Every colony cluster has suffered because of the Alliance’s tyranny.”
“I’m also from the colonies,” Heero objects. “I was born on L1.”
“And shipped off to Earth on your fifth birthday. You have no reason to speak, Heero, no reason at all. You know nothing. You have lived a luxurious life with lots of pampering, and plenty of creature comforts. How would you know?” I couldn’t get the bitterness out of my voice, really I couldn’t.
He hesitates. “My guardian, doctor J, used to tell me about life on the colonies, but I could never imagine it was like this.”
I flick my braid over my shoulder. “You see, Heero, sometimes I just escape, for five minutes or so. I think of my wonderland, a place void of all hate, anger, fear, doubt and sorrow. Where everybody lives together in peace. Yeah, it’s corny as hell, but I’ve seen enough of hell to take any other possibility with both hands.”
Silence. A killing silence.
“I came to bring you your breakfast, and to tell you that we will gather you to watch the news shortly. So don’t wait up with your breakfast before it gets hard and cold.”
His fiery eyes strip me again. Why is he looking at me like that?
“One more thing,” I say before leaving. “Judging by what we have seen of you, we don’t want to take any risks. Behave, or the girl gets it.”
I don’t lie, but I don’t always tell the truth either. Heero is left pondering what we can do to the girl, and we leave. Before reaching my room, Quatre asks me if I also want to visit Relena, but I cannot handle another discussion. I’m tired of repeating my words. For graduating cum laude, Heero sure can be dense. I shudder, just thinking that everybody on Earth shares this same, warped view of the colonies. Maybe we just should cave in. Give in and succumb to the Alliance, and just see how things work out. Quatre putting his hand on my shoulder startles me. He has his other hand rubbing his chest, a movement that reminds me of his empathic abilities.
“Your despair is radiating from you, Duo,” he says calmly.
“I just... I just don’t know anything anymore.” I start, searching for words.
“It’s okay. Heero is questioning his beliefs, not yours. Him asking questions is good for us too, Duo. We are reminded of the cause we are fighting for. He’ll see it eventually too. It just takes some time, but don’t give up hope. You’re the one standing up for us all. Don’t forget so many people are looking up to you.”
“And why did I do to deserve that in the first place?” It’s out of my mouth before I realize it.
Quatre smiles, a melancholy little smile. “Because you are Duo Maxwell.”
He leaves me to finish my breakfast on my own. I lie down on the bed and curse the throbbing ache. It’s so much worse than yesterday. Being incapacitated like this gives me too much time to think... and I am irritating myself when my thoughts automatically go towards one Heero Yuy and one Quatre Winner. “Because you are Duo Maxwell.” What the hell...?
“They’re both fucking playing with my mind,” I grumble, and throw myself on my good side to catch some sleep.
The conference room is filled with people. G, who somehow refuses to meet my gaze, stands next to Sally. Quatre, Trowa and Wufei are present, softly talking in the corner. Heero is in the other corner, and with him are two of our buff, strongest men. Quatre asks him in a friendly way to behave. Trowa tweaks the reception of the TV, plugging and hooking up every cable possible. I approach him to ask him about Catherine, as we hear Relena arriving before anyone else.
“My father will come and get me out of here! You people are going to regret this seriously!”
“Your father won’t be coming here because he doesn’t know where you are.” I hear Hilde’s voice. Cool, collected Hilde. They enter the room. Relena yanks halfheartedly at the girl’s strong grip.
“My father will come for me, he will!”
She sees Heero for the first time they were separated, and she jumps at him, crying.
“Heero! O, Heero!” She touches him and he takes her by the elbow.
“I am fine, Relena.” He searches her face for... for what, bruises maybe? Even though her clothes are dirty, and there is a smudge over her left cheek, Relena isn’t injured. I have personally notified everybody that anyone touching the girl, in one way or another, will be severely punished- the Shinigami way. The same goes for Heero- but people wouldn’t want to come close or touch him anyway.
“Heero, why are we here?” She whispers, voice carrying uncertainty and fear. He still holds her by the elbow, an intimate gesture that somehow ticks me off.
“Silence,” I command, and the room goes quiet as a tomb. Quatre however, being polite as always, leans towards Relena and tells her, in the same whispering voice: “After the news broadcast we are going to decide how and what message we are going to deliver to your father.” I completely miss her reaction as my eyes are glued at the screen. The fizzling and crackling of the broadcast fills the silence and the L2 news begins.
I know there is something wrong when they show us the Colony Star Hotel in ruins with fat clouds of smoke obscuring the view, and a small picture of Darlian positioned in the upper right corner of the screen. A picture in a picture. It’s the official portrait of Vice Foreign Minister Darlian, as shown to us before. A reporter, microphone firmly in one hand, points at the molten side of the building.
“I’m standing here at the remains of the Colony Star Hotel, yesterday the victim of a brutal attack by rebels. Today it sadly has been confirmed that Vice Foreign Minister Darlian was killed during this attack. His death was confirmed by...”
I don’t have to look around to see everybody bugs out his or her eyes. The collective gasps I hear confirm my thoughts. After the reporter, a government official flashes onto the screen, with a stern and disapproving look on his face.
“The L2 Government is terribly shocked and devastated by this news. What looked like another protest has turned out to be the most foul and cowardly crime of the year. These so-called rebels have mercilessly staged this attack to kill the Vice Foreign Minister, who was visiting this colony to discuss interstellar trade. To our dismay, we have to confirm that his daughter also fell victim to...”
“Fucking lying bastards!” Wufei, of course.
“Impossible,” is my answer.
“Allah in Heaven...” Quatre rubs frantically his chest, eyes closed. If I were empathic like him I would be going stark raving mad from all the emotions floating around the room. Even I can feel them- stunned amazement, anger, grief, and unbelief; all hanging in the air, weighing like a ton. Sally is speechless; professor G looks like he couldn’t care less. Trowa looks just sad. Heero’s face is placid, chiseled out of stone. Relena’s eyes are bigger than ever, mouth hanging open. Her face has turned a sickly shade of white.
“You are dead to the world,” Wufei points out. His sharp eyes meet Heero’s blazing ones without flinching. I look at Relena. She isn’t latching on Heero like I expected, she’s struggling to withhold her tears and searching for words as her mouth is moving, but not speaking. I pity her.
“You can cry,” I tell her. “You just heard the news of your father’s death.”
At my words, all the blood drains out of Quatre’s face, and his voice sounds muffled.
“You’re lucky. At least you didn’t have to watch.” He strides out of the room. Only seconds later Trowa follows him, shooting me a departing glance. I nod.
“This can’t be happening,” Relena finally says. “This can’t be. Father...”
A tear makes its silent way over her cheek, she doesn’t notice. Heero offers her his hand. She accepts and squeezes him. Her breath comes a little too fast.
“I... I can’t believe this..” Her mind works at top speed. I recognize the signs of the stages she is going through, I went through the same when I held a dead nun in my arms. After the denial, comes the anger.
“What have you done?” She looks at me, and the dam bursts. Tears stream over her face and anger overtakes her voice. “You killed him! You... you bastard!”
Heero tightens his grip on her, but she’s already stopped moving towards me. Composure forgotten, she starts crying and screaming hysterically. Wufei mumbles something about ‘sniveling women’ but I could have misunderstood his words. After a few minutes, Relena pulls herself together. She looks around for a handkerchief, and before someone can offer her one, she rips off a piece of cloth from her dress and tries to clean her face.
“I am sorry for the loss of your father,” I say. “No matter what you think, we didn’t bring you here to witness his death. This is as much a surprise for you as it is for us.”
“What consideration,” Heero says bluntly, “for Shinigami.”
“If I were you, I would reconsider your words, Heero Yuy,” Wufei answers. He bows towards Relena. “My condolences. With the loss of your father, we lose a good opportunity to carry out our plans. Like I said, you are dead to the world. We didn’t do that. We didn’t kill your father.”
“He died in your attack.” She rubs at her face with the piece of cloth. “You abducted me and killed my father!”
“Nonsense.” It’s the first time that G speaks up, voice creaky and... cranky. “If we could achieve our goals by eliminating Darlian, he would’ve been killed a long time ago. What purpose could we have by abducting you and killing your father in the process? We needed him for the plans we were going to carry out, by using you as hostage.”
It takes a moment to process G’s words in their minds, both Heero and Relena. With the light from the TV, I now clearly see the tight lines around Heero’s mouth. He sure looks paler - Darlian also meant much to him. I can see him consider our words, and a few seconds later he speaks up.
“If you didn’t kill him... who did?”
Relena eyes me if she wants to devour me, but she also connects the dots.
“Who... who are these monsters?”
“The Alliance.”
She positions herself in front of me. Her voice sounds like bending steel.
“The Alliance doesn’t kill spokesmen randomly. Father is an outstanding politician and his work is renowned all over Earth! Why would they kill him?”
“You are incredibly naïve for being the daughter of the Vice Foreign Minister.” I snort audibly. “They killed Treize Khushrenada, Lady Une, and Duke Dermail- all leaders of factions that questioned the authority of the Alliance. There have been murder attempts on your father’s life before. They did not hesitate to raid the Underground, and kill men and women. What makes you think why they wouldn’t kill him?”
“You are lying.” There is not much conviction in her words. She fidgets with the piece of cloth. “Father is a good person. He is loved...”
“No doubt about that,” Sally chimes in, “but we are not talking about your father’s personal assets, Relena. Try to see that apart from his work. Was there something he occupied himself with that was the opposite of the Alliance’s dictated politics?”
She isn’t dumb. “You mean the Alliance would eliminate someone objecting to them?”
“They got us right where they want us,” I murmur, mind working rapidly to rearrange my thoughts. “We’re blamed for the death of your father. When we kidnapped you, they used our so-called ‘attack’ on the hotel as a cover up for your father’s death. Why would they want to have your father out of the way?”
“Father was proposing plans to establish trade and traffic between the colonies, besides his usual message of peace.” Relena picks up my train of thoughts. “I know that not everybody agreed with his plans, but I cannot imagine who... I cannot imagine him being killed because of his beliefs.”
“That’s what this war is all about,” I say, the bitterness in my voice clear. I ignore Heero’s frown.
“People are killed because of their beliefs. Alliance soldiers dispose of the...”
“Enough, please.” Her clenched fists shake and tremors overtake her body. She is about to break down from the shock.
“... men and women opposing them, because they feel that everybody questioning their rules and regulations somehow poses a threat to the precious little circle they have formed. The Alliance was, is and will be oppressing as long as no one stands against them... “
“Enough!” She cries, exactly at the same time Sally says it.
“That’s enough, Duo.”
Heero looks uncomfortable. Relena cries, heart-wrenching cries and sobs. It’s enough indeed. I decide that the girl has suffered enough, and approach her, carefully putting my hands on her shoulders. She doesn’t mind, she completely forgets that I’m supposed to be the enemy - she needs so much some comfort now. Her world has been turned upside down, and even though I don’t feel guilty at all, I don’t enjoy seeing her break down either. Strangely enough, Heero comes forward and puts his arm around me, and another arm around her. Relena buries herself between us and wails. The two burly guards exchange strange looks, but neither of them comments. Sally comes to stand with us and offers Relena a handkerchief.
“Here,” she says, and the girl accepts it, mumbling her thanks. After a while, when the hiccupping sobs slow down, I appoint Hilde to take Relena to her room. Wufei offers to accompany me to bring Heero to his room. I do not decline- I need the support. The cane is unsteady in my hand; I’m feeling drained from all these emotional outbursts. Wufei deals with the two who served as Heero’s guards. They are not needed anymore. We don’t need to guard him. All our plans are down the drain. I have to talk to Quatre, to G...
We are subdued and reach Heero’s room in complete silence. He doesn’t even object when Wufei shoves him inside. He takes his place in the middle of the room, turns around, and faces me, with the same placid expression on his face as before. This time, I understand it. He hides his fear and uncertainty wonderfully well; it’s like an invisible wall.
“What are you going to do now?”
“I don’t know.” I answer honestly. “This was not what we anticipated.”
“You are still locking me up, after what happened?”
“We are enemies,” I say.
“Are we?”
“What do you mean?” I can’t stop the irritation boiling up in me. I don’t like his disdainful comments on everything I say. He switches so fast between being fully understanding and infuriating arrogance that it confuses me.
“You always talk about demanding time and attention to your own problems, and establishing contact between the colonies, but you accept this... this atrocity just like that. You have cut from your own goals, and watched how an innocent man was killed in the process.”
“We never envisioned our government would kill Darlian off,” I answer. “We offered our condolences, because we are really feeling sorry for...”
“That’s not going to help. You haven’t accomplished a thing! Don’t you see that you are on the wrong path? You’re making things much worse!” He couldn’t have shouted any louder.
“Are you some fucking shrink?”
“I am not. I just can see it plain as day in your... eyes.” He averts his head. “You’re as ignorant as ever.”
“Tell me why your beloved Alliance kills an innocent man, his daughter and ignores you, Earthboy,” I answer. “Tell me who’s ignorant here - me, or you, refusing to see what is really going on here?”
We leave him a few minutes to ponder.
When he speaks, he takes me by surprise- again. “I guess you don’t have much use for us left, now Darlian is gone. All I ask of you is that you make sure Relena’s death will be painless and swift. I don’t care what you do with me.”
“Aren’t we a fucking prince charming,” Wufei spats. “We don’t kill. We do not kill bleeding hearts or women! We’re not like your fucking precious Alliance!”
“Enough, Wufei,” I say. “Wait outside for me.”
“You want to stay alone with him?”
“Wait outside for me,” I repeat in my most commanding voice. He quirks an eyebrow but chooses not to argue. He leaves the room. Heero looks at me. There is a glitter of fear behind those fierce blue eyes, and I see his struggle to keep his face calm.
“You’re very important to this gang, aren’t you?”
I blink. “Yes, I am. Why?”
“The man... you call him G? He came to visit me, and asked all kinds of questions about my guardian.”
I shrug. “I have nothing to say about G. He joined me a long time ago. He has his ways. Still, he can’t be missed concerning mission planning and organization.”
“He was interested in me and my youth. If I had undergone some training.”
“Well, you are a bodyguard after all. Did you, besides the one to increase your strength?”
“I had training,” he admits. “Gun training at five, pilot training at seven. J was always rambling about how I should become a mobile suit pilot. He drilled and trained me until I could compute interstellar courses in my sleep. He taught me nothing but quantum physics, arithmetic, several languages, and engineering.”
“That’s why you graduated cum laude,” I think out loud. Great, now I sound like some infatuated girl, slobbering all over him.
“Yeah. When I went to high school, I thought everybody knew how to pilot a mobile suit blindfolded, or was used to running 20 miles everyday with a heavy backpack. I was not very popular.”
I almost want to laugh, laugh at his dry remark, and because I see the beginning of a smile on his face. He’s smiling! I collect myself.
“Why was G so interested in you?”
“I thought maybe you knew. He looked disappointed when I said my training was only until I went to high school. But after J’s death, I had no one else who could give me the same training, and frankly, I felt relieved when I didn’t have to do all that hard work every day besides my studies. I came to think J was an idiot, until the training proved to be very handy when Darlian recruited me for bodyguard services for Relena.”
“You foiled a few murder attempts. Darlian wasn’t very popular.”
“It’s not about popularity. He was an open person, and not afraid to speak his mind, not to the Earth Nations, the Alliance or the colonies. He really was looking for the right solution to solve the tension between all the parties involved. You see for yourself what happened. You got us into this mess, you better get us out as well.”
“Set you free?” I answer, a bit chagrined.
Suddenly his eyes turn sad.
“When did you become Death?”
I stop in my tracks. “My hearing is just fine.”
“It isn’t.”
“When did you become Death?” He repeats, a soft tone in his voice. “Because of... this?”
I grab the doorknob. I may owe him my life, but not all my answers.
“The night the Church went down,” I hear myself say. “The night when my world collapsed and was burnt to… There was nothing left when I arrived. When I sat down on the floor, next to Sister Helen’s body, crying and screaming, he came to me.”
“Shinigami.” His voice sounds… reverent.
“Why do you ask?”
“Huh?”
“As I recall, you ridiculed my nickname. Called me an ignorant fool.”
“Maybe... maybe I’m starting to understand what... motivates you.”
“Good for you,” I say, and I see anger flare in his eyes. I really can’t keep up with these mood swings, and I decide it’s enough.
“Okay, cut the crap. Either you are with us, or against us. I don’t care what more nice speeches you have up your sleeve, just keep them to yourself, and decide what you are going to do. There is more going on than your own fucking sense of morality. I did not survive that much to die, and certainly not by the hand of a pampered Earth boy.”
I notice my fist clenching and relaxing, clenching and relaxing. I finally force myself to relax. I remember Heero’s arm around me when I was offering Relena support. He was so close I could smell him. I yank the door open and stalk out, cane ticking hard on the floor. The door slams shut. No! I clench my fists. Fuck! The shivering almost wracks my body. Why did I tell him? And why am I so sure… that I will feel Death’s touch again in my sleep tonight?
Wufei approaches me; apparently, he has been keeping watch while I was in Heero’s room.
“It’s no use keeping them locked up.” I finish my sentence fast before a jolt of pain causes a high and whining pitch in my voice. He nods and walks with me, his firm tread carefully adjusted to my slow one.
“He is right, you know.” No use for mincing words, especially not for this proud warrior. “What are we going to do now? The Alliance just turned our own plans against us. We were going to use Relena to get attention, but now they’re depicting us as murderers and themselves as wronged victims, while killing an innocent man in the process. The injustice of this all is daunting me. This is pure evil, I tell you.”
“I have to talk to Quatre and Professor G,” is my only reply. The cane wobbles, I feel surges of pain emanating through my body. God, when will all this be over?
“Maxwell, you are not well. I suggest you get some rest. Everybody needs some time to think about it, just like when the news of the Gundams was brought to us. This war is becoming grimmer by the moment. We need your strength.”
I use the moment to lean on my cane. We have arrived at my room; I’m feeling cold and tired.
“Release them from their cells and give them clothing,” I order him. “Keep an eye on them, however.”
He mock-salutes me, and I suppress a sigh. I told Wufei, as well as Trowa, not to see me as some kind of commanding officer, but they both bear the remnants of different military training in their youth, and it surfaces now and then; sometimes dead serious, sometimes spontaneous mock humor. We once stole a whole bunch of clothing from an Alliance transport. Wufei was professional and an excellent partner in every way... but during the stakeout he told me lovingly about his wife, and that was the end of the line for me. I will not endanger the life of a married man- his wife needs him more, especially in this hard life. No one would be crying if I die. I don’t leave people behind. I won’t leave someone behind.
“What if they want to leave the Underground?”
“We can’t really stop them if they want to. Heero is smart enough to estimate his chances, and Relena... I don’t think Relena has even thought of leaving here. She’s too upset about her father’s death. But, if they really want to...”
“We have to think things over carefully,” he puts in his two cents.
“Okay,” I sigh. “First, I get some rest and then we’ll brainstorm about this.”
“Don’t forget, our offer to bake you a pie still stands.”
He wins a laugh from me.
“Sure thing, Wufei. Send my love to Meiran.”
“She will be honored,” he answers before parting. I wonder for a moment if I can go to Quatre right now, but recalled how he stormed out of the conference room. Watching the news must have been hard for him, dragging up all those memories of his own father being killed in front of his eyes. I close my eyes. Wufei is right- this war is becoming grimmer by the minute and I can’t waste another second daydreaming in a cold hallway.
Chapter 6 | Chapter 8