The alarm goes off. It only takes me a second to roll out of my bed, across the floor, next to the big dresser. My hand automatically fumbles around for a gun, and I swear when I can't find it. Another second passes by before it dawns me that I'm safe and sound and that there's no need for those old soldier instincts anymore. I chuckle. Every day the alarm goes off... my electronic alarm on the nightstand. It's time to get up. I rise from the floor, flick the braid over my shoulder and start to walk to the bathroom. My private bathroom. I can't help grinning, even though after all those months you'd think the novelty of a private bathroom has a bit worn off. It just reminds me of the days when I had hardly a bathroom at my disposal or I had to share with the other guys. I don't have to share anymore- something that saddens me, as I like sharing, I like doing things together, like a herd of good little boy scouts. Sharing the good things, and sharing the bad things.
They told me that I used to wear priests clothes, or at least similar clothes. All black, with a white shirt underneath. I have a picture of me and Heero in which I wear an outfit like that. It's one of the few things I got to keep. Bastards. They have taken enough from me. I suppress the anger. Don't want to get another lecture. I forgot which mask I wanted to put on today. I'm standing in front of my chest, actually with one drawer open, if there ever would be a mask in it. I look in the golden framed mirror and smirk. Oooh, someone is going to have lots of fun today hearing this. I thought I was over that mask thing, though. Did you know the war is over? We won. Carefully I close the chest. Don't want to make too much sound. Heero is a light sleeper. He has a gun cocked to your head if you breathe too loud by his standards of 'imminent danger'. Ah, I forgot. Heero isn't here and he isn't my roommate anymore. I don't have a roommate, even though I live on campus. It's a small campus, but a campus nonetheless. I was looking for something. Why else are my hands holding on to the closures of the top drawer? Can't remember what I am looking for though. Oh well. Time for breakfast.
We had to make breakfast ourselves when we stayed in a safe house, hiding from Oz. Man, I laughed my ass off at the sight of Quatre frying eggs. I still get a hilarious laughing fit when I remember him being the only one to put on an apron; the rest of us had only half the table manners he had. Where are my boots? I put them in the corner, as always. Where are they?
I like the friendly people here. They're always asking me how I'm doing. I never tell a lie, so I answer every one of them that I'm feeling just fine. Who wouldn't be, with this kind of life? No worries, not a lot of chores and no wars. Just friendly people and very good friends who give me attention. Man, they really are great guys. Have I told you that I've won the war with them? We didn't get much credit for it, except for Heero. He got all the fucking medals and honor and so. No one bothered to look if there were any more who had suffered and killed and maimed and died on the inside.
But now I'm being lazy. I have lots and lots of homework to do. I get private lessons, how about that? It's always a nice lady or a nice guy, asking me how I feel, how I've slept, how much I'm eating. They let me do stupid things, though, and they note everything I answer. Sometimes they just look at me, nodding as if every answer I give them is correct and interesting. I can't remember how it should be on a regular school- I haven't been going to school only for the few times it was necessary for the mission. Too busy with the war and all.
I'm not bothered by the fact that I'm different than others. Heero said it was for the best, and for my own good. I trust him, so I go to this school for him. Guess he was getting upset about me talking about Death. I don't know why he was so freaked out about that. Death is my best friend. My Gundam had 'Death' in its name, how could he forget that, why should he be upset about that? Sheesh! I would rather be upset if Quatre was talking about Death. Quatre is very rich. He likes Trowa.
Trowa doesn't say much. Quatre is gentle and warm. Whenever they visit, they bring me presents- a warm afghan, gloves and sweaters because I hate the cold. They also bring me more writing stuff- as if I don't have enough writing to do, already- and always something chocolate-y. The school is very strict with presents. They check every present before it gets to me. I was mad with tears when one time they didn't let me keep a key cord. I wanted to have that key cord, Quatre had attached a picture of us all to it. He once had brought me a glass frame to put in the picture I already had, but they didn't allow it either. Lousy bastards.
Wufei is the last of my friends. He hardly visits but when he comes, man, it's always a delight. He's Chinese, and capable of the most wonderful things. He brings me tea- even though I like coffee better- and gave me two nifty painted chopsticks, that I once again, wasn't allowed to keep. I was pretty upset about that too- as if they thought I was going to break them! Such beautiful things!
A few times, there came a girl for me, a blond girl with her hair in two braids. Pretty girl... yes, a pretty girl. Can't remember her name now. I do remember another girl, Hilde. She came here talking to me about many things- some guy named Howard and a group called the Sweepers... she was mentioning the whole zodiac thing. Leo, Aries, Cancer, Pisces... I didn't know she was into astrology and when I asked her she made such a strange noise. She asked me if I knew where I have fought for. Now I was the one to make a strange sound. My voice came from some place far away when I answered that I have fought for the freedom of the colonies. The colonies. L1. L2. L3. L4. L5. And a whole bunch of colonies... colonies who denounced our help, denied our existence, denigrated our presence. Yes, presence, I like that word.
Stupid L2.
Really, I can't remember that much. Whenever I say that, my teacher always looks a bit.. funny. I wanted to say 'sad', but... I don't know why I changed it. Never mind.
She told me that I was in the war. Yeah, that's the part I do remember very vividly. Every morning I see the scars. No one has to tell me that I was in a war. I piloted a Gundam, for crying out loud. I piloted Deathscythe, the stealthiest and fastest of all of them. Big black bat-like wings, a twin-bladed scythe... God, I felt so alive in it. Yeah, I mentioned it once to my teacher- that I felt so alive in my Deathscythe. I still wonder why she paled and gave me another round of those stupid inkblot things. They are really a pain in the ass and I feel so stupid doing them. But still, I need the grade, otherwise I'll never graduate, now do I?
I like the art lessons. Hate those stupid inkblots. Oh, I believe I already mentioned that. My teacher always tells me I repeat myself. Let me tell you about my room instead. It's a square one. Too bad I don't have a roommate. I like to have a roommate, someone you can talk to. Every time Heero was rooming with me, we talked. He's quite intelligent, you know, and very handy with computers. He likes computers. My room... is not large, but not small either. I have a bed, a dresser, a chest of drawers, and a cupboard. The colors are too light for my taste; I complained a few times that I wanted darker colors. I even offered to paint over the room myself. They never gave me permission. Come to think of it... I had to do an extra test that day after, I believe. Oh well.
The other students here like me. I never sit alone during lunch. It's not a big cafeteria. It's not a big school. It has a typical name- something with 'Asyl' in it but I can't remember it now. I'll look it up. The school is so damn exclusive we hardly ever get papers or pencils. We all get private lessons here.
I told Quatre once that I did well for a street rat. I asked him if he was paying for me. You know, he is awfully rich. Half of the safe houses we used during the war were estates of his, and he had a private army running around him. And I sure know as hell that I didn't have any money to enrol in such an expensive place. Did I ever get an answer from him about that anyway? It bothers me that I don't know the name of his army. It's on the tip of my tongue. Damn.
We have a get-together almost every evening, where we go sit in circles and tell each other about the day. These get-togethers are quite strained; almost every time someone starts to cry or to scream. I don't know why. They ask us if we can help each other and to try to solve the problems. I don't always feel like it, but I do my best. A lot of them have problems, you know. Maybe they can't handle the exclusivity here. I don't know. My teacher is approaching me and she smiles! She says something... I have a telephone call!
It's Quatre congratulating me with my birthday. I am very happy to hear him and he asks me how I'm doing. Sometimes that irritates me- everybody always wants to know "how I'm doing". Jeez, I'm doing fine and I tell him that school is difficult, but that I hope to graduate this year. My six months' evaluation is coming up and I have been behaving like an angel, so it must work out this time. It's strange how many funny noises a person can make. Quatre excels in making funny noises. He tells me that he has all the confidence that I'm doing all right and that I won't be held back. He says he can't wait until I graduate, and I tell him, neither can I. Of course when Quatre calls me, I always get Trowa on the phone sooner or later. He congratulates me and wishes me all the best for the next year. I like his voice- flat, even, but not monotone. There is a million of emotion behind every word. He sounds a bit sad though, and when I ask him if he has found his sister yet, he remains quiet for a while. Then he answers me, that he already found her and that I've met her before, in the circus. Trowa has a real weird sense of humor, you know.
I can't get any breakfast before Heero calls me. I'd forgotten it was my birthday, and Heero calls on my birthday. My teacher says something about not waiting in the hallway, but I don't mind. I want Heero to call me. When he finally calls, I'm so happy I'm trembling. I hardly understand the words and I cheer when he congratulates me.
Next year I will be home, I'm sure, I say. He sounds also a bit sad. He says that he is waiting for my graduation and for me to come home. He has my room ready; with nice posters and quilts, just the way I wanted to and described it to him. Yes, I know they all live someplace else. It's difficult that he can't come and visit me every day. I try to laugh and to cheer him up. With everything going so well, my graduation won't be far away and I'll leave this place behind me, and we'll be back together.
I notice that someone takes my phone away. I squeak, but it's my teacher and she looks at me, telling me to get some rest, or at least some breakfast. You don't mess with my teacher. When I slowly walk away I overhear her talking to Heero. I turn around and take a breath to tell her to hang up or give the phone to me. My drawing teacher is suddenly behind me and I jump; I didn't hear her coming. She squeezes my shoulder and says that breakfast is waiting. I don't care about breakfast. I want Heero!
Far away I hear my teacher saying something like "no improvement" and "it's sad". I almost want to cry. I will be held back, and I don't want to spend another year here. I've had so many lessons, so many sessions, I did the stupid inkblot things, I talked to so many people, I worked so hard and now I'm still not going to graduate?
I realise I cry when my drawing teacher is leading me back to my room, spouting nonsense, that "it's going to be all right". My other teacher walks besides me, murmuring something about knowing that it was too much excitement.
I hardly notice they help me getting undressed and putting me to bed. They give me my vitamin pill and I'm almost asleep before I lay down, I didn't realise I was so tired. I still didn't have my breakfast. I'm still crying, damn it all.
It's funny though.
He comes here and tells me "I love you". He says it right in my face, smiling and with his blue eyes shining at me. He's here, finally here! I'm almost dancing with joy and he's happy too, smiling and laughing. It took Heero some time to laugh and smile; it had been a difficult time for him too. He has flowers for me and congratulates me with my birthday. I tell him that he said that already this morning. He kisses me on the cheek and asks me if I remember that he'd said that he was going to visit me today. I feel my face getting red. He embraces me and says that it doesn't matter.
Time goes by all too soon. He tells me again "I love you".
Maybe I will tell him that someday too. It's a short way of saying "I love you"... but it's a long way getting there. For now, I watch his retreating back. He always stops at the end of the hallway to turn around and to wave at me. Yes, he turns around. My teacher tells me again and again that I cling too much to vast patterns and routine. Can't see what she means by that. I just like to see him wave. Then I know he'll be coming back. I raise my hand and wave. The sound of the barred door clinging shut tight hardly reaches me. My teacher stands behind me and says something like: "He's gone now, Duo. Come, you need your rest. It's been exciting enough."
Guess I feel a little bit tired. Tomorrow will be another day.