There was only the tiniest hint of irritation showing in Heero's eyes.
"Of course I can, Duo." He turned around to face the kitchen sink, hands trailing the rim of the steaming cup of tea. "It was a peaceful night. A night without bad dreams. I watched you sleep, as I always watch you, Duo. You didn't have any nightmares, otherwise you... and I. would have remembered."
Duo's face was contorted by a pained grimace. Heero put aside the teabag, spun around to face Duo, and shook his head.
"I am so sorry, love. I didn't want to mention them."
"It's okay, it's okay." Duo murmured. I. never mind, Heero. I didn't mean to... I don't want you to think that I don't trust you."
He remained silent. Duo hastily sought out Heero and grabbed him at the hands.
"I... I'm so sorry."
"I understand," Heero said softly. "This must be exhausting for you. Why don't you call off your student and get some rest, like I suggested?"
"No," Duo answered, and he reached past Heero for the cup of tea. "I can't keep running away from every little thing."
"I don't call the death of one of your students 'a little thing'," Heero mentioned. Duo shot him an angry look.
"You know what I mean. You cannot keep protecting me forever. I must learn to stand on my own two feet."
"This is not the time. Your student is waiting." Heero couldn't help sounding irritated. He was not used to an angry look coming from Duo.
"God, Heero, why must this always be so difficult?"
"I don't know what you mean."
Duo shook his head. "We'll talk about this tonight."
Heero reluctantly agreed. He walked with Duo to the corridor and halted to put on his jacket.
"Are you going to them again?"
Duo didn't wait for Heero's answer. "You know I don't like your friends from the military. It's not good to dwell on the war for so long, and that Khushrenada and Marquise guy are a bunch of anarchistic hooligans."
Heero zipped up his jacket. "They are my friends. I know how you feel about them, but they are my friends and I want to look them up."
He grabbed the doorknob and twisted it. "It was my war, Duo."
The door swung shut. Duo stared at it for a few moments, then he whispered: "The war ended five years ago, Heero. I know. I was there, remember?"
The tea was rapidly cooling as Duo walked to his waiting student, plastering a smile on his face before he entered the living room.
"Sorry to keep you waiting, Quatre. Here's your tea."
"Thank you." Quatre took the cup and pointed at the piano. "That's a beautiful one."
"It's from the Conservatory series," Duo took a seat and adjusted a cushion on the couch. "I worked my ass off to pay for the thing-- oops, do you mind me saying 'ass'?"
Quatre laughed. "Not at all, not at all."
"You can play something after you finished your tea, so I can judge your level. Have you played before?"
"Only the violin. I had lessons for more than six years."
"Why piano, then?"
He shrugged. "My father suggested to me to try another instrument, for a change. I don't mind- I have time to spare."
Duo frowned. "How come?"
"My father doesn't want to let go of his businesses," Quatre answered. "I'm almost a triple MBA and still he doesn't trust me to assist him. He still thinks I'm not up to take charge over his assets."
Duo nodded and it struck him that he was, again, bonding with his student. I'm just chatting with him. I just can't stop it. It goes naturally. I wouldn't be a good teacher if I didn't take any interest in my students, now would I? This is how I am. This is who I am.
"Mister Maxwe. Duo, are you all right?"
"Huh? Oh, yes, yes, sorry about that. Can you play something for me?"
Quatre put down his teacup and positioned himself behind the piano. "I've only had four or five lessons before."
He started playing and Duo listened intensely. It was just a nursery rhyme, and Quatre kept repeating it until Duo told him to quit.
"Okay, thank you, Quatre. I know where we can start. Just a second..." Duo sifted through the pile of books he used for his lessons and came up with one appropriate for Quatre's level. He sat next to his student, opened the book and started with the finger exercises. While playing the same exercise over and over again, Quatre said, in a whispering tone: "I really like the picture."
It took Duo a few second to understand that Quatre was mentioning the picture on the piano, of him and Heero on the beach.
After the last class, Duo felt drained. He wanted to make dinner, even though he wasn't sure when Heero would be coming home. Duo shuddered. He once had gone with Heero to the 'bar' he always visited-- a rundown café where discarded, bitter and drunk former soldiers assembled to drown their misery. Heero knew lots of comrades from the war, and few of them had managed to adapt to a reasonably 'normal' life. They spent their days wallowing in forgotten glory and lost memories of a time that had gone and was written down in history books.
Duo had his own memories of the war, memories he had shared with Heero. It had helped him a great deal to talk about it; to talk about the death and destruction he had seen. Duo didn't feel disappointed anymore that Heero obviously didn't want to share his memories. It sometimes looked like it was the war that kept that invisible distance between them. Duo remembered meeting Heero, only two months after peace was declared by the United Earth Sphere Alliance. Heero was hospitalized after an accident with a mobile suit and that was all Duo knew about his war past. Heero had never wanted to talk about it; somehow he felt more at ease with his former comrades than with Duo, concerning the war.
Out of routine, Duo peeled potatoes, cut vegetables and fried meat. Heero never returned drunk from his visits, but it always renewed his ...hostility against the world and the protectiveness he felt around him, Duo, in an almost obsessive manner. Recently Heero came home so upset that he had summoned Duo to stay at home for almost three days, without an opportunity to leave the house. It was the first in a row of fights in which Duo tried to make clear that Heero shouldn't continue visiting his friends. He was totally honest that he didn't like Treize Khushrenada and Zechs Marquise and stated once again that they had a bad influence. Heero had always denied and insisted on keeping in touch with his old friends.
Duo sighed. It was of no use telling Heero to get a job; he had a war pension that enabled him to do with his time whatever he wanted. Duo often had wondered about the amount of money Heero received from the government; he knew from other people that war pensions weren't normally that high.
Just one of the secrets Heero had. Just one of the things he didn't want to talk about.
"And as long as you don't want to talk about it, I have to guess what's bothering you and what's going on in your mind, asshole," Duo voiced out loud and almost cut himself with the knife. He put away the utensil and took a step away from the sink.
"I love you so damn much," he said, "but you make it so difficult for me."
He stood there, thoughts tumbling around in his mind until the doorbell rang. Duo quickly wiped off his hands and went to answer the door. He wasn't really surprised to see his good friend, with a bottle of wine in her hands.
"Hilde?"
"Hey, I wanted to make sure you were all right," she ventured and hugged him. Duo hugged her back.
"Thank you, Hilde. Come in, I was just making dinner."
She sniffed in the air and laughed. "Nice! Can I have a bite?"
"Sure! What kind of wine did you bring?"
During dinner, they avoided the subject of Dorothy Catalonia's death and talked about the weather, music, pianos, and the upcoming recital where Hilde would play her nocturne. Duo helped himself to another portion of vegetables. Hilde cleared her dish with the last piece of potato.
"Aw man, I'm gaining pounds just by sitting here, Duo!"
"You stuffed yourself like a pig," he answered, mirth glittering in his eyes. "Would you like some dessert?"
She shook her head. "No, really, I have enough."
"Maybe later."
"I think it's..." The loud clicking of the door interrupted Hilde.
"That's Heero!" Duo rose and quickly pulled an extra plate out of the cupboard.
"Duo?"
"In the kitchen!"
Heero entered the kitchen and frowned at the sight of Hilde. She smiled wanly at him.
"Good evening, Heero."
"Hilde was as kind as to offer me some company," Duo said, and it came out more reproaching than he intended. Hilde was the only one to see Heero's glare change from mildly annoyed to plain irritated.
"I must be going, Duo," she said, putting down her napkin. He turned away from the stove.
"So soon? You're not going to stay for extra practice?"
"I'll do some more exercises at home, promise," she said. Duo filled Heero's plate with food and put it on the kitchen counter.
"Here you go, Heero."
He didn't acknowledge Duo's help and sat down, plate set in front of him. Duo didn't await his answer and walked with Hilde to the door.
She put on her coat and gave Duo a sad smile.
"Sometimes I'm really afraid for you, Duo."
"What for?" Duo didn't understand her words. "Is this about Heero again.."
"Never mind," she said abruptly, "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, see you tomorrow," he waved her goodbye. He watched her retreating back. She wasn't the only one frightened by Heero, or at least a bit subdued in his company. Duo leaned onto the door. Her footsteps died away.
He was falling. Falling and falling. They laughed at him, the soldiers who had come to destroy everything around him. Death surrounded him, laughing, cackling like a loon. A church was reduced to ashes, a gold cross, handed to him with the departing breath of the one man he loved and trusted at that moment. They laughed at him. A simple monument of bricks and stone reminded others of those who died in a massacre. He was pushed to the brass plate with the engraved names of the fallen. His name wasn't there.
"I should've been there.." Duo whimpered. Something gnawed at him. He was strangled. He reached out, lifted his arms, but he couldn't reach them.
"No!" Duo shot up, heaving and sweating. His sweat-drenched braid clung to his bare back, and he almost shredded the sheet.
"Oh God... when does it stop?" He stumbled out of the bed, finding his way to the bathroom in the dark. The nightmares mostly occurred when he was under a lot of pressure; he had come a long way in dealing with them-- they used to come every night. Duo pulled at the faucet and stuck his hands in the cool, running water. He splashed water in his face and took a towel to dry himself off.
While he was panting for air, it suddenly dawned on him that Heero hadn't come after him. By now, he had expected two strong, warm arms around him, soothing him, telling him that everything was all right and that he was protected. He craved protection in times like these.
"Heero?"
He called out softly. It could be possible that Heero didn't hear him, and he hadn't put on any lights. Slowly, Duo came out of the bathroom, towel firmly clutched in his hands.
"Heero?"
It was pretty dark in the bedroom; Duo moved slowly but steadily towards the bed. He reached forward and pulled the light cord.
The bed was empty. He was alone.
Chapter 3 | Chapter 5 |